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Monday, 13 April 2009

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when you still get a choice, don't get married.

Friday, 07 November 2008

things have been on my mind these day...

1 And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. 2 And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there. 3 And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for mortar. 4 And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. 5 And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which the children built. 6 And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do; and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. 7 Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech. 8 So the Lord scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city. 9 Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the Lord did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the Lord scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.
-Genesis 11:1-9 (KJV)

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"freedom is the limit of itself."

Wednesday, 05 November 2008

as a "rebellious" christian =P

i'm against discrimination of the gay/lesbian.

http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-gay-christian

why do leaders interpret the bible as, no union of same sex should be allowed? because gay couples cannot produce next generation and they fear that population of their own race will decrease.
why do we not allow union between two people of the same bloodline? because they produce imperfect babies.

all humans are creations of God, and we all know He makes mistakes and is not perfect either. the bottom line is, we, as God's children, should love, appreciate and accept His creations as they are, but not reject and discriminate them. He does not abandon the imperfect us, and what are we to discriminate the couples who cannot produce "perfect babies."

but afterall, i despise people who mislead others and use marriage as a tool to discriminate against gay/lesbians.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

on the topic of sex - "pregnancy"

haha it has been a while since i claimed that i'm gonna write this post =P and i've to revisit the_house_husband's xanga to remind myself why i was fired up to write these posts =P

so after the "rape" experience, i got super quiet and decided to stay away from guys. i put a ring on my ring finger and stopped all the random strangers' "friendly approaches." the x'mas afterwards, i accientally ran into Z on the flight back to HK. where sure there were more juicy stories between me and him, but i'm trying to stick with my topic this time, instead of turning it into another super long post =P after 2 months, plus the previous year that he had shown obvious interest in me, we got together. Z claimed that i'm his second official girlfriend, while the first being his first girlfriend in middle school, and the rest were all one-night-stands. he either knew nothing about protection since all the previous girls would protect themselves well that he didn't need to care, or he did not bother to remind me or educate me on "protection," and i would want to believe the prior. we agreed on the relationship status over the phone, and on the first day we met each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, he was testing my limit and tried to push it forward. i told him about Y, the guy in the previous post, and he understood, and stopped, and agreed to take it slow with me. i was burst into tears, because he was the first guy who would not force me. trials after trials, he did not force me, thou he never gave up "helping" me going beyond the limit. i had to say, he was very patient, and caring, at least comparing to many guys i had met at his age. finally i gave in. the first few times i would go to the health center for morning after pills afterwards, coz i knew i had to play it safe and that's the only way i knew would kill all the "possibilities." somehow, somewhat, after couple times, i started to believe that i was always lucky that such thing would happen to me; somehow, somewhat, i got lazy, and thought no problem everything would be ok; somehow, somewhat, i thought my crazy instable period would never get me pregnant. and of course, everyone would be surprised if i didn't get pregnant in the end. i didn't realized it until one day i was fainted in the shower. i got 3 different brand pregnancy test, and they all showed positive. i asked the doctor, could those test be wrong? and the doctor looked at me with this face that had "are you stupid?" written all over. i swore, that was the first day in my life i ever seen a condom and being educated on birth control pills.

i told Z. he was shocked.
i thought the last time was right after your period, and you had a period a month later, he said.
well, apparently it was a fake period somehow, i answered, my body was just weird.
silence.
i would pay, Z said.
ok, i answered.

i had no interest in kids, at all. i almost hate them. i preferred animals far better than babies. more like mentaly, i enjoyed being with animals more than with humans, coz they wouldn't trick you. i picked engineering becoz it's almost the industry that would least likely to deal w/ people; numbers are always friendly. again, that was the time i had completely lost my trust to human beings. but it just felt weird, when there's something growing inside you. Z flew over to accompany me for the "day." the day before, i suddenly got super sentimental. i felt an incredible bonding with the little creature inside me. i talked to Z. could i keep it. Z looked at me all scared. of course no. the answer was expected. long story short, accidents plus dramas, i ended up going to a ghetto place for the "day." and let's just say it was absolutely completely not a pleasant experience at all. Z left me right afterwards. well, due to another set of dramas, he was supposed to be out of the states, and he stayed illegally for another week becoz of me, so i couldn't really blame him for leaving me alone to deal with the aftermath.

needless to say, my emotional status and my health status were just completely screwed up afterwards. besides more drama between me and Z, i went through a series of revelation. naturally, i started not hate babies. i started to rethink about marriage and family. i swore to myself, no matter what, i'm keeping the next baby, and i would give him/her doubly love. i swore to myself, if i were to have sex again, with or without protection, i would be perpared to have a baby in my life, even as a single mom. i swore to myself, i would not give it 1% chance to happen again. all of these, i would have never imagined myself saying before.

when i found out the friend was engaged, mostly likely because she was pregnant, first reaction is, i was jealous. i did not know her for long nor know her much personally, and she was just a social butterfly to me before. and now, i looked at her with respect, and jealousy. i'm jealous that she was brave enough to make such decision and was able to keep him/her and gaurantee him/her a good family. i admire her that she was able to give up her playful life for a unexpected new life. i could feel how much she had to struggle through during all these processes. so, if anyone is gonna say anything disgraceful about her, i would bite him *HISS*

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

on the topic of sex - "rape"

"rape" and "pregnancy."seems like those two terms have been coming up quite often in my past week, thanks to the two movies people have been talking about these days, and my friend's announcement party of her being engaged and also pregnant. i just can't help to day dream about it a bit this morning when driving down to san diego for work. <add> and also.. of course... my dear hubby's xanga post (clarification: not the_house_husband, but his other personal site). i had been deciding between keeping it private or public for couple days. i guess now i decided to add something more and public it. </add>

so much i've "whined" about my first that i could almost claim it as "being raped," i wouldn't necessarily think that i became a poor psychological victim afterwards. of course i hated it being part of my history, and my attitude towards sex had been twisted by it ever since, but i did learn a good lesson from it the hard way. before that, i was a desperate girl who wanted to just have someone to love me back or to just need me or to want me, and so i would say yes to every guy who asked me out, and i would fall for any guy who showed me that he cared about me. i thought i was so good at discovering the good side of people that i could love just anyone once i had decided. and i thought and believed that. i didn't care about sex.
he was not a random guy; i wanna say he was a friend, but the connection between me and him was actually rather complicated. it was just that time after summer break. my best friend was gone, and the girl he loved left. he said i got much prettier. i was happy; because it was rare to hear that statement from a guy back then. he showed his interest, and took me to Mt Washington. <add>somehow many of my dramatic events were tied to this mountain. my friend made a joke outa of it: if you wanna get the_house_wife, drive her up to Mt Washington for the stars, and she would be yours the other day -_-"</add> he knew i was a virgin, and asked me did i want to try. i hesitated for a while, and said ok. just beacuse i was bored to death after my best friend was gone and want some excitement, and just because i was tired of the "good girl" and "virgin" image guys had put on me and that was being the reason i got "rejected" by them and got "strongly requested" to offer BJ to them when they claimed i had caused their "excitements". and i was tired of my guy friends afraid to be too "closed" to me because i was a virgin. i was addicted to physical contacts (by that i mean the degree of hugging) and i didn't care for a long term relationship, and i was annoyed that no one(guy) seemed to believe me on that .
and so, i followed him home, like a rebellious teenager. as the procedures went, there was one point i suddenly realized what i was actually doing. i got scared, and asked him, could we stop? he looked at my all weird at said, of course not. and he continued. i ran and fought back. and he caught me and threw me back into the bed. we wrestled and wrestled, and finally i gave up. it was long and painful. after it's done, i could feel the bruises on my legs and my arms. and i could hardly move. i looked at him; he was sleeping with his back facing me. i suddenly realize that that was not something that i could stand. i realized that i did care about sex; at least, i knew my body would draw blood easier than other ppl, and bruises got on my body rather easy too. and most importantly, i needed someone to hold me afterwards; facing me with the back would just drive me crazy. after the first, i told myself, i didn't enjoy sex and i didn't like sex.
the other morning, he drove me back to my place and i said goodbye to him. seemed like there's something he wanted to say, but i didn't let him. i walked back to my room, and i didn't talk to him ever since. <add>well actually, i took it back. there was only this time when i changed my msn picture after many years, he msn me and said, you got prettier again, and i said thanks. </add> i didn't know much about sex, nor protection for that, nor really understand what had actually happened. but i did know baby came out of these kinda activities, so i got a morning after pill from the health center. the month afterwards, i became extremely quiet and avoided any kind of communication with all humans, while i was jumping around and complaining to everyone that i was bored before. i got into deep thoughts about relationships, guy friends, sex and all that. i decided to stop recruiting random boyfriends, just because i realized that it's not a social activity designed for my personality. i needed physiscal touch, but i couldn't stand random sex, and it's almost gauranteed that the more physical touch i request the faster random sex it would lead to. i didn't plan to marry all the guys i would have sex with, but i did require minimal love before it could happen.
and so, i decided to display all my stuff animals from friends/ex-es/unknown guys and tried to use them to replace all the guys. my best friend knew it and sent me a huge teddy bear, and made sure i understood that was the only thing i could hug all i wanted and it wouldn't turn into a big color wolf at any time. and i decided to have an "imaginary boyfriend." there was this guy who was 11 years older than me. i liked him, more like i admired him, and i knew that he didn't like me. but that's ok, and it's actually perfect. i needed something harmless to love. i broadcast it to everyone that my heart belonged to that old guy, and i bought myself a ring for the ring finger on my left hand, and made sure i showed it to all the new guys who approach me.

next -> on the topic of sex - "pregnancy"